Mt Zion - Andrew Brant

Emily Post-Structuralism

Emily Post-structuralism.
I won't answer people's questions, so much as reveal the myriad ways in which they are unanswerable.

Making Friends.

Q: How do you make friends in university/college? 

I've always been very good at making new friends (it's because my family moves a lot). But now that I'm in my first year of university, I have no idea why I can't make any good friends. The only people that I know are from high school. I basically have no one to hang out with unless I meet someone from high school in the halls by chance. How do I make new friends? 
Whenever I sit next to someone in class, they either already have their own bunch of friends or just want to sit alone. What do I do? any type of tips will be helpful! 
oh, and I'm the oldest in my family so I don't have any brothers/sisters that I can ask advice from. I basically don't know HOW things work in university. Do people randomly talk to each other in class? How does it work?


A: You seem very sweet, so I’ll try to be kind. However, your case seems to be hopeless; your very sweetness makes you terrible at making friends, and you probably won’t change.


Let me step back. “Making” friends does indeed require an act of creation and its accompanying violence. In order to make friends, you must first break them down.


We may look at this as another iteration of the perennial problem of communication. Since people experience consciousness distinctly and can only encounter people as the Other, communication is ultimately impossible. The only way to communicate is to violently project oneself onto another person, reforming them as an extension of the Self.


Find a weak, impressionable young person (it shouldn’t be hard at a university) and insist that they begin to imitate you and espouse your beliefs. Take them to the barber to get a haircut like yours. Alienate them from other students on campus, until your new “friend” begins to confuse your personality with his or her own. At this point, you will be able to at least pretend that you are communicating with an external reflection of yourself.


Alternately—and infinitely more likely, judging from your letter—you will slowly fall into orbit around a more charismatic character, and see your own personality and sense of self slowly disintegrate until you are a hollow shell of yourself.


Good luck!

Luke Niebler